Always in my life I’ am suffering from insecurity, from those people around me, and to the thing they can do and I can’t. My prior question is why? In my part I’m doing my best, and I CAN’T accept the reality that my best wasn’t good enough.
Everyday I gowned so weary, by considering of having a life that is empty. Confuse, stress, and slowly become ragged of being a loser of my own pride. I can’t move freely in my own well, for I might be ignored by them. I speak but it seems that it has no sound, I move but no force in it. All in all I feel I’ am INVISIBLE, Invisible for no one notice my account, my effort; instead throw it to hem who do nothing to be noticed.
In some part I know my self better than they are. Inquiring for the action to do, it’s the same, almost the same. The only different is that my “feeling” . I have insecurities, insecurities that leads me to distraction, that leads me to “nowhere”
Comparing my self to other is the main source of my insecurity. That in return, I lost my confident, my focus, and my awareness about everything that was also in “me”. My strengths are covered with weaknesses, weaknesses that clearly showed to be the outcome of being insecure.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A Night with HIM
I was once lived with HIM, and once experience a life that extremely confident and peaceful. Together with my family we stay connected with HIM. Then when trials came, we did not succeed it, we failed to pass the test in our lives. From there we loss our way, and disconnected with HEM. Our family got into trouble; I turn into a monster hugging the worldly sin. There are times that I can’t seem to recognize myself anymore. Monstrous creatures became a friend of mine.
But HE has a plan; it’s HIS entire plan, because from that stuff I grow strong. HE introduces me HES friend, and HES friend leads me the right way.
Love is always the nature of my soul. Through love I meet HIS friend, I n school. At first I have no intention to love my classmate, HIS friend, but one day I surprisingly feel it with him. It is wrong to love your same sex, that’s why I choose to stay away from him,, but no use, a waste of time, because the more I disconnect myself, with him the more we cross our way in any school activity, sometimes were partner sometimes were group mates. Maybe its part of HIS plan, because of my forbidden love to HIS friend, I found my way back to HIM again.
One day at school, my classmate discuss a part of the book, which I borrowed from him. The time that we interact with each other I’m enlightened. HE put a light to my darkened life. He say’s everything is not an accident, its all HIS plan. From all of the bad things I’ve done, I feel ashamed to talk to HIM again, even though sometimes I did, it still insufficient. But the night after HIS friend say something about the book, I use to talk to HIM again, asking HIS presence, then HE came. HE once again touches my heart, and once again HIS presence lingers in my soul. As I pray, I feel HES presence, HE make me remember our days together. The time that I’ am with my family, the time that my mother hugged me tight, the moment we spent together in the church, holding hands, crying for joy, offering song to HIM. HE makes me cry while I pray, because aside from being sinful, aside from being weak, aside from forgetting HIM, HE still fined a way for me to be with HIM again. Then I asked a favor to HIM to cleanse up my heart and my soul, t renew my mind. From that moment of time I feel relief and at ease. I can’t help but cry again for joy. My tears, my saliva, my sweat come out, as I feel them falling down my knees. Were once friends but I leaved HIM and look for another, which I meet weaknesses, worry, sorrow, tragedies, and loneliness as my new friends. And now that I realize that they are not really my friends, I go back to HIM, and automatically HE accepts me,,,again.
Thanks to my classmate his friend, for with out him I might still astray. Thanks for the love that I feel for him, because I feel GOD again. Hope that my classmate allows me to love him secretly, because as long as I feel love, GOD is with me, simply because GOD is LOVE.
But HE has a plan; it’s HIS entire plan, because from that stuff I grow strong. HE introduces me HES friend, and HES friend leads me the right way.
Love is always the nature of my soul. Through love I meet HIS friend, I n school. At first I have no intention to love my classmate, HIS friend, but one day I surprisingly feel it with him. It is wrong to love your same sex, that’s why I choose to stay away from him,, but no use, a waste of time, because the more I disconnect myself, with him the more we cross our way in any school activity, sometimes were partner sometimes were group mates. Maybe its part of HIS plan, because of my forbidden love to HIS friend, I found my way back to HIM again.
One day at school, my classmate discuss a part of the book, which I borrowed from him. The time that we interact with each other I’m enlightened. HE put a light to my darkened life. He say’s everything is not an accident, its all HIS plan. From all of the bad things I’ve done, I feel ashamed to talk to HIM again, even though sometimes I did, it still insufficient. But the night after HIS friend say something about the book, I use to talk to HIM again, asking HIS presence, then HE came. HE once again touches my heart, and once again HIS presence lingers in my soul. As I pray, I feel HES presence, HE make me remember our days together. The time that I’ am with my family, the time that my mother hugged me tight, the moment we spent together in the church, holding hands, crying for joy, offering song to HIM. HE makes me cry while I pray, because aside from being sinful, aside from being weak, aside from forgetting HIM, HE still fined a way for me to be with HIM again. Then I asked a favor to HIM to cleanse up my heart and my soul, t renew my mind. From that moment of time I feel relief and at ease. I can’t help but cry again for joy. My tears, my saliva, my sweat come out, as I feel them falling down my knees. Were once friends but I leaved HIM and look for another, which I meet weaknesses, worry, sorrow, tragedies, and loneliness as my new friends. And now that I realize that they are not really my friends, I go back to HIM, and automatically HE accepts me,,,again.
Thanks to my classmate his friend, for with out him I might still astray. Thanks for the love that I feel for him, because I feel GOD again. Hope that my classmate allows me to love him secretly, because as long as I feel love, GOD is with me, simply because GOD is LOVE.
One Day
Along the high way,, a bus is traveling , inside it there was a Father and son setting near the driver seat. Outside the wind shield window, the son views the path were the bus is passing through. There are a lot of buses, taxes, bicycles and other transportation equipment that go along the way. One of them catches his attention, an elegant Mercedes bench whose windows are tinted. He wonder who’s inside, how blessed the owner for owning such equipment. Why people like them don’t owned one? Aside from hard working, they still don’t have?
He turns his head on his back, where he saw other passengers, some are sleeping, some are eating, and some are in a conversation. Do all of them feel what he feels? Do all of them think what he is thinking? All he knows his family is tired living in the presence of poverty.
Then he looks at his father, who is quietly sleeping beside him. His father falls asleep for he is tired with the ride, so as to the kind of life they have, he compared. If he eats, then he is satisfying the cost of energy he losses in order to have something to eat. If he wanted to talk to his father, then in what topic it most is?
He is very young to consider himself having an elegant Mercedes bench. He depends only from his father’s worth. He wants to asked his father, why life is so unfair to them? His mother died when he was young, they’re once a happy family putting GOD in the center of their lives. If that so, why now he only have his father on his side, his mother is gone, and his brother live separately far from them.
And again he remembers the Mercedes bench, and he try to look for it once but it’s gone. Maybe it goes in different direction. Then were it might go? He long to asked himself. He and his father are going somewhere, and he doesn’t know what might happen to them in their destination. He felt doubt; he had a lot of question on mind. His life journey, what awaits hem there? What kind of life he might encounter? Can he own a Mercedes bench someday? All his doubt, all his questions, will be answered ONEDAY, as he travel his journey to his final destination.
He turns his head on his back, where he saw other passengers, some are sleeping, some are eating, and some are in a conversation. Do all of them feel what he feels? Do all of them think what he is thinking? All he knows his family is tired living in the presence of poverty.
Then he looks at his father, who is quietly sleeping beside him. His father falls asleep for he is tired with the ride, so as to the kind of life they have, he compared. If he eats, then he is satisfying the cost of energy he losses in order to have something to eat. If he wanted to talk to his father, then in what topic it most is?
He is very young to consider himself having an elegant Mercedes bench. He depends only from his father’s worth. He wants to asked his father, why life is so unfair to them? His mother died when he was young, they’re once a happy family putting GOD in the center of their lives. If that so, why now he only have his father on his side, his mother is gone, and his brother live separately far from them.
And again he remembers the Mercedes bench, and he try to look for it once but it’s gone. Maybe it goes in different direction. Then were it might go? He long to asked himself. He and his father are going somewhere, and he doesn’t know what might happen to them in their destination. He felt doubt; he had a lot of question on mind. His life journey, what awaits hem there? What kind of life he might encounter? Can he own a Mercedes bench someday? All his doubt, all his questions, will be answered ONEDAY, as he travel his journey to his final destination.
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